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This is not me [28 Dec 2010|03:09pm]

Where to start? Today was supposed to be my first day back at work after time off for depression. Well that's not strictly true I should have gone back on the 17th on flowers and deli, but I got the flu, coughing really bad and throwing up. After ringing NHS Direct they advised me to stay at home and carry on taking the flu remedies. It was a week before I felt anywhere near normal and I still have my stupid cough now. But I couldn't go back to work because it was Christmas day and Boxing day. So after ringing work yesterday to find out when they wanted me back and what hours I was due to start on ovenfresh at 6am this morning. I lasted an hour.
I thought I was ready to go back to work and please don't think that I just want more time off because as much as I say I hate work I still enjoy going if that makes sense. My sickness record was below 1% for the whole 3 years I've worked there before this. But the truth is I haven't felt happy in myself for a while now and my moods are still as low as they were. I don't want to do anything or go anywhere. Wilkofans for an example. I used to be on there every night doing bits for it, it was my hobby. The past 3 months I've hardly been on there. I met Jonny a couple of weeks ago which was great but I haven't even wanted to upload the photos from the game yet or even get the gallery up and running after it went wrong. That is just not me. I'm always moody for no reason at all and as much as I try and be happy it's like my brain just won't let me. I didn't even get one bit excited about Christmas which if anyone knows me isn't me. I'm usually like a little kid up early on Christmas morning so excited. This year it was just like another day. That's another thing my sleeping is all over the place. I know I have a problem with my sleeping anyway and I see the sleep clinic dr on the 7th Jan, but some days and nights I can't sleep at all and others I can sleep forever. That is not right surely.
Back to the job thing. I know that is a large part of why I'm unhappy. But as I said I don't want people to think it's just because I don't want to work at Morrisons any more, which I know is what the management think. I partly went back to work because they make you feel like a criminal for bring off and those who know me know that I'm a goodie too shoes and hate being in trouble. I haven't had on disciplinary in the 3 years I've been there. Even my mums had one in the short time she's been there! I hated working there long before this all happened but I still went to work and got on with it. Which makes me think it's more than just a job thing getting me down. Which then leads me to think my antidepressants aren't working because I should feel more balanced by now I've been on them for 4 nearly 5 weeks. Buy then i don't really know what else is making me feel so sad and worthless. Yes I don't speak to my dad as much and I still feel awkward around him. Buy then again that's my choice . I choose to ignore his phone calls when he rings sometimes, which I don't really know why I do it. No matter what he's done he is still the same person and my dad. And if we just talk about sport them so be it I suppose. He's coming over tomorrow after I've been back to the drs to help me sort out my cv and apply for jobs. As that's one thing my dad foes know is how to apply for jobs, he's had god knows how many in my 23 year lifetime. So maybe I should make more of an effort to talk to him. And theres obviously mums illness and coming to terms with the fact that she was so close to dying this summer. I don't think it really hit me at the time and thankfully she is a lot better now. Even though she still gets chest pains which scare me and make me think she's going to have another heart attack. I have dreams about that sometimes but in them they don't save her. So theres that. I don't really know If that's a contributor or not and if it is how I get over it. I suppose I've just got to move on. I don't think it helps that shes still off sick so it makes me think she's still ill. Which she is but not so much that I should worry if that makes sense.
So yeah that's how i'm feeling. I'm ringing to get an emergency dr appointment tomorrow to see what they say. I know they probably try and get me to counselling again but I don't know if it was just the woman I didn't like or the process itself. I just felt like she was preaching at me and thought I was lazy for not just getting another job. Like I haven't been trying for the past year. She made me feel like I was just there to get time off work and I'm worried the dr is going to think the same because work is part of the problem of why I'm feeling like this. But I am doing stuff to try and change that. I've applied for new jobs and even looked into doing night classes to give me qualifications to enable me to get the jobs that are out there. They are mainly admin jobs which I wouldn't mind doing, but I have mo idea on how to use excel, sage which is what most of them want otherwise I think I could do the jobs pretty well. So in the new year my task is to enrol ons Microsoft office course or something. Dad says I should apply for the jobs anyway and say that I'm willing to learn and will do a night class if needed. They may still take me on even if it's at a lower pay rate than what they are advertising. So we're going to do that tomorrow. I don't know if the dr will sign me off again or if he'll think I'm just there to get signed off like work think. And in some ways I don't know if I should be signed off. Maybe making myself go to work will help? Stop me from just wallowing at home? But if I just stand there and cry all day I'm not sure they'll want me there? I don't know I suppose it's what I'll have to talk to the doctor about. I looked at just working part time but I can't afford it so that's out of the question. If I go back to work part time I'll only get paid part time . I can't get paid the other part of my hours as sick I don't think lol. But erm yeah that's me at the moment. I don't know what to do any thoughts or help would be appreciated.

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I'M BACK! [06 Aug 2009|07:49pm]
Finally I have internet!!!! Just a quick note to let you guys know I'm not dead.

Moved into my new house with Adam and Luke. It's weird not living at home but nice at the same time. Started my new job. Still at Morrisons but I'm cakeshop supervisor now. Dad has a new job! It's in Sailsbury (sp) though so it looks like mum and dad will be moving there now if they can ever sell the house.

Umm i think thats it atm ttyl xxx
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[03 Apr 2009|11:17am]
Hmmm I really need to update. A lot of things have happened at home that I need to get out of head...But i think i'll leave until im in the house alone...
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It's not their fault but I still don't like it.... [14 Mar 2009|09:51pm]

So this time next year I could be living in a flat/house on my own or with Luke. Mum, Dad and Adam are moving back up to Leicester. I cried my eyes out while Luke hugged me when mum and dad text telling me. Obviously I am not going, mainly because of Luke. I know some of you may think it's a bit stupid staying down here just for him, and I think my dad in particular is included in that, but it's not just for him. Yes we have been going out for nearly 3 years and I've never been happier. But, I'm beginning to feel settled here in little Swindon. Yes I still don't have many friends here and if it wasn't for Luke then I would be jumping at the chance to go back up to Leicester. But saying that, I like how small and 'nice' Swindon is. Plus I'm close to Emma, Fallon and Marie. I would never get to see them if I moved back. So I'm staying put. I'm not sure at the moment if mum and dad think that I'm just staying until I've done my teacher training and then I'd come up there or if they know that I'll probably stay don't here indefinitely. But if they are moving away I think my teacher training is going on hold for a year or so. I can' afford a flat while I'm doing that and I know I've said this before but I am really sick of being a student and learning. It sounds stupid but I just want to wrok and be a 'grown up' lol, and at the moment I don't care where I work as long as it pays. I started looking flats the other day just to get prices and stuff, and a stupid letting agency rang my house saying they have flats for me to go see. So now my mum and dad were panicking saying don't rush into anything, we won't be moving for a year blah blah. So I had to calm them down and say I was only looking to find out my options for when the time comes and the letting agency just got excited lol. I need to get a full time job first before I can afford anything.

So apart from working part-time at Morrisons and looking for a full time job, nothing much else has been happening in my life. Oooo I got a new 26" LCD TV from Luke for my birthday....last week.....even though my birthday is tomorrow...hehe. I can't wait until next week. ENGLAND RUGBY BABY! I wish my first England match was watching a side that is playing a little better than the current one is but I think it will be a good game.. no Jonny though :(. Speaking of Jonny I really hope he doesn't go to France. I can understand why he is thinking about it and how tempting it must be for him. And he has always said he would love to play in France. But if he wanted to move I can't understand why he didn't move earlier in his career and to be honest I'm selfish and I'd miss him. It will make running wilkofans.co.uk a lot harder as well! LOL! So my plea to Jonny is PLEASE DON'T GO TO FRANCE NEWCASTLE ARE DOING PRETTY GOOD NOW! hehe.

I am officially addicted to Twitter as well....http://twitter.com/jonnyologist

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MY BIRTHDAY CAKE [14 Mar 2009|06:07pm]
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[14 Mar 2009|03:50pm]
I have given in and got one so follow meeeeee.....http://twitter.com/jonnyologist
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[24 Feb 2009|10:21pm]
So I passed my degree!!! I'm not sure what my overall mark is because it has still got be confirmed by the exam board or something, but i definitely have a degree. So that's a weight off my mind, but now I really do need to decide what I'm going to do with my life :/.

I'm off to see England vs Scotland soon in the 6nations! My first England match ever and its on Luke's birthday. So he isn't happy that I'm not going to be with him on his birthday....but its ENGLAND RUGBY! As long as we win I'll be happy lol.

Um not a lot else has been happening. I've been making a website for my mums friends carpentry business. I was only charging him £50 but he's decided he wants to give me £100 so that's nice.
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[12 Dec 2008|07:14pm]
I am making my christmas cards again this year so if you want one post your address please!

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[21 Oct 2008|08:40pm]

Look what I got!!!

Basically Emma and I went to the Gloucester Vs Newcastle game where Jonny got injured a few weeks ago. We made some wilkofans bears we were going to give him, but when he got injured we knew he wouldn't be sticking around after the game. So we sent them to him to cheer him up poor guy(I added bandages to their left knees), and this is what I got back.

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I love my new laptop! [17 Sep 2008|05:50pm]

I haven't updated in a while so I thought I should, I'm sorry.

Last week I had the flu and it was horrible. I was supposed to be doing more hours at work but I had to ring up and tell them I wouldn't be in all week including the weekend because I was so bad. I couldn't even get out of bed on Tuesday because my joints hurt so much. Even the manager I spoke to on the phone said "you don't sound to well", so I think they know I wasn't faking it. I still have a bit of a cough but I feel a lot better now. One good thing was that I got to watch some rugby on sky for once which was nice. It has made me want to look for another job even more though. One where I don't work the weekends. Plus I now know what days I am at uni, so I am taking a trip to the job center tomorrow to look for part tim jobs. Actually I am quite annoyed that my lectures are in the morning instead of the afternoon because there is an admin clerk job at Morrisons Monday-Friday, 7-12 which would have been perfect :(.

In other news, I waited at Toys R Us the other Friday for like 2 hours to get a Wii Fit lmao. I love it! The only get 16 every Friday and they go pretty quick and as they are selling for twice the price on ebay, I thought I have nothing else better to do I'll wait hehe. My Wii Fit age is 22 which I am happy with as I'm only 21 so I'm not as unfit as I thought I was lol.

I also got a new laptop and I am in love with it. It only came in the post yesterday, but it is my new baby. It's the Dell Studio 15 in PINK! And it has a fingerprint reader which is one of the main reasons I am in love with it so much lol. Instead of typing my passwords to log on I just swipe my finger, and on websites I can just swipe my finger to log onto those! So cool! lol I'm sad.

Uni starts next Thursday and I'm actually looking forward to it. Plus I can't wait to see Marie and Fallon again I miss them. I have to enroll on Thursday 25th and lectures start the next week. My lectures are on Wednesday morning and Friday morning, so not too bad. Emma is coming down the first week because we are going to see Gloucester Rugby Vs Newcastle (JONNY!). I am going to wear my Wilkofans t-shirt, we have bears to decorate and we need to make a banner. I swear he is gonna think we stalk him.....But I have said to her that I'll have to leave her at my house on the Wednesday to go to my lecture, I'm not going to miss them like last year. Then on the Thursday we are going to Worcester to watch Harlequins Vs Worcester (Emma supports Harlequins). I'm driving so dad has taken me on the motorway to get me used to it, but I think we are going to go on it again this week when it it busier. It seemed pretty straight forward though so I think I will do ok. Not getting lost will be the hardest part lol.

Ooo I don't know If I said but mum got a new Job! She started at the beginning of September. It is the same as what she was doing in Endoscopy back in Leicester, so that is good. She seems to like it I think. It does mean dad is going to stop working nights now otherwise they'll just be in the same situation as when she worked at Morrisons and well we know what happened then.

I think that is it, I might take a trip to Cheltenham on Thursday when I enroll seeing as its only 10 mins from Gloucester, they have better shops there lol.

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I MET JONNY TWICE TONIGHT!!!!!!!! [14 Aug 2008|09:40pm]
I am sooooo happy! I went to the england training session and at the end they had a signing thingy and I got Jonny's autograph twice. At first I thought he wasn't going to come over but he was waiting for all the other players to go. So I raced over to where he was and got him to sign a copy of rugby world with him on and then I got moved on by security. But as we were leaving dad went toilet and I noticed we were right next to where he was so I went back in, got right infront of him and said can we have a photo for wilkofans and he smiled and laughed and said sure and he looked at my wilkofans t-shirt, signed my book with take care, hope you like it! and I gave him a wilkofans.co.uk fridge magnet and he laughed lol!!! SO i'm happy because as soon as I said wilkofans he knew what I was going on about which shows he does read his letters and I got a better message on my book than all the other people that just got Jonny Wilkinson :D :D.


my hand handing over the magnet lmao
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I'm back [07 Aug 2008|04:19pm]
Right I think I'm well on my way back to my normal self. I feel a lot better and happier with myself and with my life so :).

This will probably just be a quick post to say to my friends (if I have any) I'm sorry for negleting you and not being around, I just needed time.

Not sure what my last post was but I have a car that works! peugot 106 and my insurance was only £300! BARGAIN! I am UBER excited for next thursday as its the free england rugby training session at twickers and me and dad are going JONNY! I have got a wilkofans t-shirt printed (i'll post some pics in a min) so I'm gonna wear that :).

I have long black hair (pics to follow) :).

Back to uni Sept 25th to do my injury module, im actually looking forward to it.

I hope all you guys are well and once again I'm sorry for not being around.

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[03 Jul 2008|10:29am]
To my friends and non-friends sorry if I'm not very talkative or haven't been around I'm not in a good place at the moment and I need to try and get over it....
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oh the rain.... [03 Jun 2008|11:58am]
The one day i wanted and needed to go up town to get some new shoes for work and it pisses it down. So now im stuck inside bored. I would still go to town but it is really heavy rain and has been since like 5am and I really don't want to get soaked before I got to work this afternoon. Yes I am doing extra hours at work :o! Mainly because they were desperate and after the decision I made the other day I now have nothing to do and need the money.

So, some of you may remember that I failed my inury exams in January because what they wanted us to do for them was just way too much. Well this week I was supposed to have the re-takes. I didn't go. Basically with all that has happened with me this semester I've found it hard to revise and get the work done for the modules I've had since January to now. As a result, I haven't been able to put the hours in to leanr the injury stuffand if i had gone to the exam I would have failed it. I was sat there the other day trying to revise for it amd all I saw was words and pictures and I just burst into tears. So, basically I have decided that I am re doing the whole module again in September to January, which means I won't be graduating this year. I know Luke wasn't happy and think im wasting time and gave up and yes a year extra is a lot for one module. But to be honest I m not even confident that I've passed this semesters assignment and exams so I could have to go back and re do them. Plus as i said I would not have passed injury if I had gone. I need to go to the lectures and practical sessions for me to be able to understand it and learn it. So um yeah. Plus I get to graduate with Fallon and Marie instead of on my own, but no that is not why I am doing it. The only thing i need to figure out now is how to tell mum and dad. I'm not very good at telling them stuff like this because I don't like them being disappointed in me. But then I know my parents and I don't think they will be but them im not sure lol. So any help in what to say would be lovely lol. I know I'll probably tell my mum first and hope she tells dad because he'll be the most disappointed.

So all my exams are finished. I think they went ok (fingers crossed). I didn't speak to anyone while I was at uni doing them, mainly because I have no friends there now. Only people who I used to just say hi to or would only talk to me becasue I was with Fallon or Nat, and they didn't attempt to say anything to me in the exams so um yeah. Im such a loner.

Because of re doing the module I'm not sure what to do about work. I still don't want to work weekends but I can't get a full time job in the week until January because of having to go to uni 1 or 2 days a week. I think im gonna do extra hours at morrisons over the summer then when it gets to september as if i can work in week and not weekends. I know people who work there say they won't let me but you don't know until you try and even if I can just not do saturdays would be a bonus. I want to watch the rugby on sky now i have it in my room lol. And be able to go to some of the matches withou having to use my holiday to book the day of or ring in sick.

My car had its MOT last week and failed which i knew it would. But apparently it just needs a service so thats getting done next wednsday which is just in time so that I don't have to re-pay for the MOT. Then finally i can get it taxed, insured and drive it woo! Plus it means i can sell my bike. I'm transfering my no claims over from my bike to my car hopefully so i've not been able to insure my ect until I had money to get it all MOT and taxed ect, So i've not driven since my test lol. I should get my insurance quote but i have to ring up because stupid direct line don't have the motorbike car swapping option on their quote form thingy but they do do it grrr! I just hate talking on the phone, Im a whimp lol!

Ok im done don't know what else to say! TTFN!
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[20 May 2008|11:51pm]
Ok so i know non of you on my friends list care but OMG ONE TREE HILL!!! i have just watched the last episode of season 5 that has been shown in the US we've only just finished season 4 over here but i got that on DVD ages ago and finished it in two days and well i want season 6 like now lol. Yes you may say omg your sad but i don't care...i will so be watching thsi season when its on over here it is the best one of the lot..maily due to jamie scott the cutest kid ever! lol!
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[18 May 2008|08:28pm]
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[12 May 2008|04:31pm]
I'M GOING TO SEE TIGERS ON SUNDAY!!!!! Yes I'm skiving work...oh well lol. Its stupid tigers are making normal non-season ticket holders or memebers to wait until thursdya to get tickest but Glucester are selling them to anyone on there website, so i've just got them off there. Eeeeeeeehhhh i can't wait!!!!
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[10 May 2008|05:04pm]
LEICESTER TIGERS I LOVE YOU! I said to my dad last night we can still make it to the semis if we win with a bonus point and sale lose without one and the lads came through. We are the comeback kids lol! I so want to call in sick for the 4 hours they want me to do on the sat and the sunday so i can go seethem at glos its only down the road from me lol
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I hate morrisons [10 May 2008|02:10pm]
So I get to work and get pulled into the personnel office. Last week I asked for next saturday off as I have my SPAM exam 9-11 it takes me an hour to get there, so im leaving at 7.30 am to make sure, and then an hour back. Basically the new personnel manager sat me down and said I see you want next week off for a uni exam...do you go to uni on a saturdat? So I said no but they have to put exams on then to fit them all in. Anyway basically they don't belive me and I've got to bring my exam timetable in and they won't even give me the full day off I've got to come in at 4.30-8.30!! All because lorraine has that weekend off as well and sandy says she she hasn't got enogh people. Its not my fault the uni has put the exam on a sat and morrisons are too stingy to employ enough people after others have left. So basically only one person is allowed to be off at one time its stupid! I hope I get one of the 4 jobs I applied for yesterday I canlt stand it here anymore. I'm so tempted to just say im stuck in glos next week and can't get back. I was going to have the whole weekend off brcause I've got my presentation on the monday what would they have done then?! It just annoys me that they don't belive me...so im going to hand in my holiday form for june 21st and 22nd when I get back from my lunch because me and luke are going away and if they don't give me that I'll call in sick or quit lol

Anayway I'd best get back to work wonder what the tigers score is....
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prettyness... [06 May 2008|05:23pm]
God the weather is so nice i wish i didn't have to revise

ooo look at my sk slide isn't it pretty

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